I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
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Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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