and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
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i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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