Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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