i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
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but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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