I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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