If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I won't apologize to a one balled man
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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