Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
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i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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