your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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