I must be too annoying 4 u.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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