There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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