I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
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so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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