Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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