Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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