It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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