I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
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fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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