My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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