I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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