I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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