Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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