So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We named our party play list daddy issues
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize