On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize