I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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