You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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