I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
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It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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