My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
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PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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