If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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