Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
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We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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