he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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