If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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