ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
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Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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