Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize