I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize