so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
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Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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