I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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