I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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