I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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