Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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