I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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