ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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