i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize