i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
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Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
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he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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