recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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