I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize