my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
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I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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