So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize