my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
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