After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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