hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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