after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
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just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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