If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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